Cancer

I wanted to create a page for those going through cancer or post-cancer, handpicking some ideas and creating a Pianobath playlist that I thought would be particularly helpful. Last year i was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer in January, moved house to Shoreham, a new area in the February, by March i’d had a mastectomy, summer was 4 months of strong chemotherapy, and 3 weeks of radiotherapy in october.. On top of which i suffered a distressing chemo burn which has damaged my right arm. As a single mum with a five year old, it was tough. I never cried so much in one year - there were days where i could barely walk up the stairs with bone pain, a bad moment when i realised my five year old had a clump of my beautiful long blonde hair in his hand. At times it felt like every idea of myself was taken by an invisible hand, shaken, rattled and smashed to the floor.

But, truly, even from the beginning I knew there were going to be amazing lessons. And there were. What i can only describe as a moment of revelation followed a week of shaking and fear shortly after the breast cancer was diagnosed. I saw a picture of myself with arms outstretched and heard a voice telling me to let go of my grievance. The fear completely left me, I felt a deep sense of peace and knew that i had to contact my mum. (we had been estranged for nearly 5 years). I called her that day.

There were so many questions…. Why me? What did i do wrong”? Would i die? Would the cancer come back? At first my mind was a mess. My feeling of trust in my ability to look after myself completely bottomoed out. I’d prided myself up to that point (age 54) of being in great health, having a real hang on self-care, yoga meditation, healthy eating,

I remembered that when you need answers, it’s best to shut up and listen. that had always worked for me in the past. I started to spend up to 2 hours each morning just being still, staring at the sky. Even when i could barely get out of bed, following surgery and during chemo, i propped myself on my balcony and practiced emptying my mind. I could do that. And gradually some understandings came to me in amongst the horror of what i was going through. Like seeing the odd jewel glinting in a dusty desert floor.